It’s been almost 240 days since I embarked on this adventure to give up, give in, or give it all I’ve got. I like to think of myself as the Kenny Rogers "Gambler" of the 21st century. I know when to hold ‘em and all that. By my calculations, 2015 is 60% complete (give or take a percentage point) and now seems like a perfectly good time to pause and consider what I’ve learned.
I think we reach a point in our lives when we stop learning a lot of new information and instead, we re-learn and reinforce something we’ve always known to be true but likely tried to outrun, outsmart, or ignore. Consider, for example, my deep thoughts for 2015:
1. Life is short and time is fast. There is no pause, no replay, and no rewind button. I know that time doesn’t always feel fast – like when you’re having a root canal, waiting in line at the DMV, or sitting in traffic. And while there are moments when the time seems to go agonizingly slow, it really does move awfully quickly. How did I get to be 42 years old when just yesterday I was three years old and crying because Sesame Street was over? Has it really been 25 years since I graduated from high school?
I grew up watching cartoons like the Jetsons, set in the future that featured things like video-conferencing, watches that double as phones, and cleaning robots – in an age where we had rotary dial phones that were tethered with long cords and where there were only five channels on the television. I can hardly believe that I’ve lived long enough to see the Apple watch, FaceTime, Skype, Roomba, and for the love of god, DRONES.
I’ve lived long enough to have experienced loss. All my grandparents have passed away and I have nothing more than photographs and memories (and my Grandma Mary’s wedding ring). I’ve lost money; I’ve lost teeth and skin elasticity; I’ve lost my temper; and I’ve been unceremoniously dumped. I’ve lost track of people I once called my very best friends. And I’ve lost dear friends to tragedies that are unspeakable. For the record, flying cars and talking dogs are cool – loss sucks.
2. There is no time like the present. (See also: life is short). If life is short and time is fast, there is no better time than right now to chase and catch your dreams. Buy the red leather purse. Say hi to Rob Lowe. Finance your car payment and use the extra cash to pay for a trip to Italy with your better half.
True confession: this is not my strength. I am a control-freak and an obsessive planner. We use the Google calendar for everything in my house. I use it to remind myself to pay bills; to schedule workouts; and to plan date-night. I am almost never in the present because I’m either beating myself up about what I should be doing or could be doing or did wrong. Rumor has it that meditation will help with this. See also, My Strength, Not.
I’m a work in progress. Spending a week in Italy with my beloved was both a testament to my extreme planning (I may have been counting down the days to this trip for the past 23 months!) and a true opportunity to just be. As our lives get busier and busier with various minutia disguised as importance, taking the time to be together and go on an adventure reminded me of the why. Why I go to work every day. Why I married this guy. Why I am so damn blessed.
3. I’m okay. You, on the other hand, probably need help. Ha, ha! Joking! Please don’t hate on me on the internet. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but it’s a big deal to me. I have spent most of my life feeling like I should apologize for my very existence. When I go to the movies, I make sure my big head isn’t in someone’s way. When I sit in meetings, I marvel at how much smarter and more articulate and better educated everyone else in the room is. I spend much of my time feeling like a fraud – a big, fat, lazy, stupid fraud. I’m not sure where I got the idea that everyone else in life had a secret decoder ring and a playbook. The logical part of brain understands that I’m not part of some conspiracy theory where everyone else is amazing and I suck. But tell that to the irrational part of my brain and the voices in my head!
When I travel for business, I read self-help books on the plane. If that plane goes down, damn it, I want to be the best version of me possible. (Again, I joke!). And although I am a work in progress and I stumble from time to time, I’m really trying to remember that I am okay. I am enough. And for the love of god, I wouldn’t talk to another human being on earth, not even my worst enemy, the way I talk to myself. I’m breaking the cycle of abuse. Or at the very least, trying to.
So, the progress report . . . .
Give Up: On the idea that I need to be perfect.
Give In: I’m flawed but so are you. And we’re both okay. Actually, I am pretty awesome.
Giving It All I’ve Got: 240 days and counting with MyFitnessPal. I sometimes forget to track, but I am more intentional than ever and I think I might be doing less mindless eating. I haven’t weighed myself in a month (I don’t want to hate myself based on the numbers that might show upon the scale) so I can’t tell you if this is helping or not.
On the physical fitness front, I try. I know that Yoda would not be impressed since he is all, “Do or do not, there is no try.” But he’s green and he talks like an asshole, so screw Yoda. I see Big Bad Trainer Aaron as much as I can afford to (time and money wise); I bought a Jawbone Up fitness tracker with a Groupon and am trying to move more and sleep better. I see incremental progress and I have to train myself to be okay with that. As long as I’m not getting worse, I’m getting better. And I’m okay.
I recognize that I am starting to sound like a broken record – and I also am smart enough to know that my personal transformation is a marathon, not a sprint. This caterpillar needs time to become a butterfly.
