I am trying really hard to write this journal entry without
using any or all of the cognitive distortions I just read about. Cognitive
distortion is a fancy way of describing the ways that our mind convinces us
of something that isn’t really true. These inaccurate thoughts are usually used
to reinforce negative thinking or emotions — telling ourselves things that sound rational and accurate, but really
only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves. And I have a worksheet that
lists ten of them, and because I am nothing if not an overachiever, I scored
100% on the “which of these do you do?” meter. I’m using extraordinary
restraint to not “should” all over myself (distortion #4); jump to conclusions
(#5); or apply all or nothing thinking (#1). Epic fail, by the way.
Back to the question at hand. Is it wrong that I want to
know what I’m wearing and how I look later in life? Probably, but I am not
going to blame (distortion #8) and emotionally reason (#9). This is a really
interesting question – and if you had asked me this question three months ago,
my answer would have been different. You see, three months ago, I was working
in a Very Important Job in a Very Big Company where I earned a Very Big
Paycheck – and I was really struggling. I’d lost my best advocate and ally when
my boss (let’s
call him Dick) left the organization, and my new boss was less of an ally
and more of an adversary. I knew I wasn’t happy but I felt like I should be. I was at the top of my game
professionally – on paper, anyway. And I was overwhelmed, anxious, stressed
out, depressed, and desperately searching for meaning and purpose. I knew
something had to change but I was unwilling or unable to take the first steps
to make change happen. I was stuck, and in my “stuck-ness,” I began telling
myself little lies. I like my job! My boss and I get along great! I’m so lucky!
Meanwhile, I carried the burden of needing to motivate and inspire an
under-resourced team; deliver on the results we committed to the organization;
and not lose my mind. Life was handing me crates of lemons and I was running a
24 X 7 X 365 lemonade factory.
A couple of recruiters reached out. I went on a few
interviews with no intention of leaving my Very Important Job at the Very Big
Company – but I wanted to see what was out there. I wanted to know that I
wasn’t trapped in my current reality. I wish I could tell you that I carefully
orchestrated a seamless transition from one job to another, but that would be a
lie. The honest truth is that I would have stayed, running that damn lemonade
factory until something catastrophic happened.
Which it did. My boss made a decision I didn’t agree with. It impacted
me. I decided to stand up for myself, knowing that doing so might not end well.
It didn’t. Or did it?
I took a couple of weeks off. I started meditating . . .
poorly. I exercised every day. I spent quality time with my senior dog. And I
accepted a job offer. I also recognized that some (not all) of my prior
workplace stress in the proverbial lemonade factory was my own doing. Put another
way, I started to own my shit. I chose
to forfeit PTO and work instead. I chose
to accept impossible assignments and unreasonable deadlines that required me to
perform ongoing acts of heroism to achieve. I chose not to ask for help when I needed it. Not only did I allow
myself to become consumed by my job, I committed the fatal flaw that I coach
and warn others about all the time. I allowed my identity and my self-worth to
be defined not by who I am as a person, but by my job.
Let me be clear. Those couple of weeks I took off were not enough
to undo the years of questionable decisions and borderline insanity. I worried
about what other people might think or say. I was afraid to tell my parents
about my decision because I thought they might be disappointed. The voice of
self-doubt got louder and louder, screaming to me that failure was not only an
option but likely inevitable. Once I got all those voices in my head to STFU, I
realized that I needed to make bigger changes than just my employer, and I
started to make a list of intentions for this next chapter. Here are some
highlights:
1.I have inherent worth as a human being and that
worth doesn’t increase or diminish based on my job title or business card.
2. I will no longer forfeit paid time off, and I
will use my time off in meaningful, deliberate ways. (Like go to Iceland which
I did two weeks ago!)
3. I will do things that make me uncomfortable in
the name of personal and professional growth.
4. Once and for all, I'll stop "shoulding" all over myself.
Under normal circumstances, I would have politely declined
and run the other direction. I don’t have time for personal development - I
just started a new job! And this sounded real people-y. Intention number three
gave me pause, though, and I decided that in this new chapter, I’d take advantage
of this opportunity. I would prioritize my own development and self-care and I
would do something uncomfortable and scary.
That brings us to today. Our group has met three times
(although I missed a meeting due to being in Iceland) and every time I leave a
conversation with this group, I pat myself on the back for putting myself out
there. I’m learning. I’m growing. I’m people-ing. Most importantly, I’m
resetting my own blueprint for my life. One of the unexpected benefits of this
experience is that I’ve met a group of women whose experiences very closely
mirror my own. We’re all in slightly different places on our journey, but the
parallels are incredible. We may not feel safe being this vulnerable at work
but we can do this with and for each other – and it’s pretty cool!
Each week, we get a journal prompt. I do write in my journal
but I find it easier to type. As per usual, I decided to do what I want instead
of answering the question as it was asked. If future me wanted to talk to current-day
me, I think I’d tell her that she’s on the right track and that she should keep
those intentions top of mind.
As the kids say, YOLO!
© 2019, Princess D
