The Beast on my Payroll

Although I like to think I'm all-around awesome at life, you only have to watch me attempt to perform simple tasks to realize that it's my genius and innovative outsourcing strategy that allows me to masquerade as a functional adult. For example, I'm a terrible and lazy cook. Left to my own devices, I'd subsist on the "all cereal and Lean Cuisine, all the time" diet. When my husband and I first started dating, he opened my refrigerator and was appalled to discover that it contained some aging condiments, a hunk of cheese, a takeout container, and bunch of beer. (Looking in the freezer didn't help the situation – there, he discovered my ice cube collection, some Klondike bars, and my Lean Cuisine stash.)  When we got married, I carefully negotiated the cooking situation and explained his options. He could take over the kitchen situation; we could eat out every day; or we could outsource meal preparation. That, my friends, is how Let's Dish became an integral part of how we eat in this house. We use the "dish and dash" option and have, in essence, outsourced our dinner preparation. While my hubby is actually pretty clever in the kitchen, even he appreciates the efficiency of this option. (If you're not a current Let's Dish customer, email me for a referral to save $ on your first visit!)

Other things I suck at include shopping and dressing myself. If it was up to me, we'd all look like those people of Walmart, wearing pajama pants and slippers all day long. True confession – even my pajamas don't match. I just grab things that look comfy and put them together. I have a closet full of clothes, yes, but without the help of pictures and a personal shopper, I'd be a full on fashion disaster. You can't blame my shopper for my current horrible outfits either – it's not her fault that my weight fluctuates or that my feet hurt or that I hate all my shoes or that I don't feel like shaving my legs.

Since I can't cook, eat, or dress myself without professional assistance, it's no surprise that I'm also a disaster from a physical fitness perspective. My grade school gym teacher was a short, rotund man who hardly role-modeled fitness for us. Instead, he represented the worst hour of every day for me. I actually would not enjoy having my peers pelt me with projectiles that I'm intended to dodge, thank you very much. I lack the coordination to jump rope or turn a cartwheel, and I'm too lazy to run unless being chased by wolves or serial killers. My remedial physical fitness competence is at odds with my desire to not be fat – a bigger risk now that I'm no longer existing on Lean Cuisines. When I decided to make health and fitness a priority, I knew I couldn't do it alone. Scratch that . . . I knew I wouldn't be able to do it alone. I embraced my outsourcing strategy and I hired a personal trainer. Technically, I hired several because they kept losing their minds and quitting on me – but that was more likely due to the cut-rate gym I joined.

After losing my 4^th personal trainer, a considerable amount of my disposable income, and any hope of getting my ass in shape, I stumbled upon Big Bad Trainer Aaron. I'd seen him around my bargain basement gym – he's hard to miss – but just the sight of him terrified me. He may be four inches shorter than I am, but he doesn't have an ounce of fat on his body and he is HUGE. Like, terrifyingly huge. I assumed he was a scary beast who looked down on the rest of us chubby peons and who probably never succumbed to the swan song of a doughnut. I was breaking in my 5^th personal trainer, who was shaming me for eating an apple fritter, when Trainer Aaron magically appeared and engaged me in a discussion about the merits of Target brand apple fritters. I fired trainer #5 and began working with Big Bad Trainer Aaron right away.

He's been my trainer for a little over a year now – and yes, I am in better shape than I imagined possible. But what's amazing about Aaron is not just his physique (which is pretty damn amazing) – it's his passion and his commitment. Coupled with his humility, his kindness, and his intellect – he's pretty inspiring. You might look at him and think he's just another meathead. And you would be so very wrong. I'd love to tell you his story, but his sister beat me to it – and she did a better job than I ever could. I encourage you to check it out, and side note: if you are looking for a great book to read, check out Rebecca Kanner's novel, Sinners and the Sea.


While I'm struggling to embrace and achieve my anthem – give up, give in, or give it all you've got – I am truly lucky to have Trainer Aaron as my role model. He lives his life by this creed – probably unintentionally – and his example motivates me on those days when I want to give it all up altogether. If a picture is worth a thousand words, this video is priceless.

While I haven't won any bodybuilding contests, I'm sticking to my guns and I'd like to think I'm doing a pretty good job of knowing when to give up, when to give in, and when to give it all I've got. Here's my progress report:

Give Up: I haven't given up much lately . . . which might be a good thing. With my handy outsourcing strategy, I gave up housecleaning and had a professional come in and polish the palace. It was worth every penny, and although it wouldn't kill me to run the Dyson over these hairy floors, the house is still fairly clean even two plus weeks after the cleaner left.

I've also been trying to give up my nighttime snacking habit. This has been only marginally successful because I love snacks. A lot. Rather than give up snacking entirely, I've been replacing my naughty snacks with more healthy options, like fresh fruit.

Give In: I finally made and kept a dentist appointment to get my teeth cleaned. Given the amount of anxiety this caused me, I had to take an entire afternoon off work, lest I go completely postal. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that although I might want to take up more regular flossing (I am a sporadic flosser. Sue me), my teeth had a clean bill of health. I would like to thank my Phillips Sonicare toothbrush for contributing to this successful visit. As some of you know, I am not a model dental patient and I frequently bite the hand that cleans my teeth. I'm not a fan of my current dentist, as she often drops dental instruments (which are sharp, pointy, and dangerous) on me while working on my teeth. She also is partially responsible for the emergency dental surgery that left a gaping hole in my face a couple of years ago, While cleaning my teeth, my very kind and gentle hygienist, who was filling in but who normally works with another dentist in the practice, suggested I switch dentists . . . so I did. Wait – does that count as giving up or giving in?

Giving It All I've Got: I'm sure there are more things I could list, but rather than a full essay, I'm going to give you the headlines and highlights. Here they are:

• 96 day streak on MyFitnessPal! Mindful eating more often than not . . . it's a good thing. Friend me (dlamere2) on MyFitnessPal and I promise, you'll feel better about yourself. I've been known to call wine and M&M's a meal.
• Stepped on the scale today and it's a pseudo-success story. I've lost over half a pound since my last weigh-in a couple of weeks ago (yay) but I'm still a couple of pounds heavier than I was six months ago, and more importantly, I'm about 10 (well, 9.4 if I use today's weigh in) pounds from my goal. This is progress, though, and progress is a darned good thing so I'm chalking this up as a win!
• Although my cuticles have looked better, hooray for me to conquer my nail-biting habit! It's been almost 100 days since I've chewed a fingernail.
• Worked out five of the last seven days and made sure I got my strength training and my cardio complete, so I'm not shoulding all over myself but instead, I'm getting it done.

Bottom line – life is good and I am so lucky to be surrounded by people who inspire me to be my best. That's the essence of giving it my all. Happy Easter!

© 2015 Princess D