If you listen really closely, you'll hear a deep whooshing sound. That's the sound of me releasing the breath I've been holding for the past few weeks; exhaling the self-doubt, the angst, and the feeling of being an imposter in my own life. In retrospect, I didn't exhale all at once but rather, like a helium balloon with a tiny leak, slowly released the breath I'd been clinging to since the calendar turned to 2015.
A few things you should know about me. First, I'm terrible at math. Second, I'm incredibly vain and also shockingly immature for a person who generally goes through life with a giant stick crammed firmly up her backside. There's an entirely different blog and lucrative retirement opportunity for the therapist who wants to help me unravel that mess. Thus, I am frequently shocked when I wake up in the morning, do the math, and realize that I'm 40-something years old. It was a minor relief to discover that my remedial math skills are so poor that I'd incorrectly calculated my age as 42 . . . until I realized that I am, in fact, 41 and will be 42 in a matter of months. This discovery led to two immediate actions; first, I scheduled a shockingly expensive anti-aging facial that promised to take years off my appearance. Second, I went a little bananas. I'm almost 42 years old and what have I done with my life? What is my purpose? Is this all there is?
The facial was both expensive and quite uncomfortable. In all honestly, I think I look about ten years older and a lot more gullible for the experience. Perhaps the results will improve over time? Or maybe I'm just stuck with the face I've got and I should deal with it. What was more disturbing was the sense of existential angst I was wallowing in . . . but after I finished what I hope is the final damn draft of that idiot paper I'm working on at work, I was able to calm down a little bit, and like the self-proclaimed princess that I am, I decided to take my own medicine and anthem the hell out of this! Yeah – that happened. I made anthem a verb.
Here's the latest "anthem update" for those keeping score:
Give Up: I caught myself almost giving up a few times lo these last few days and weeks. There were times when I doubted my own ability to persevere, let alone succeed . . . but then I remembered my damn anthem and instead, I decided to give up my fear (of failure, of embarrassment, or whatever it is that is getting in my way) and I gave up on giving up more often than not. And I even learned something about myself in the process, which I know you're dying to hear, so I'll share it with you. Giving up is the easy way out in the moment, but when you give up, you are stuck wondering "what if" for eternity. In my personal experience, it would appear that giving up is what I do when I am under extreme stress and/or feel doomed to fail. I'd rather quit than fail. What's fascinating about this is that, last time I checked, I don't have psychic powers so I am actually not able to predict the future. Before I give up and throw in the towel, I'm trying something new. I'm pausing – just for a moment – to think about the reasons why. Sometimes my reasons are valid and in those instances, you bet I'm giving up. But more often than not, the act of pausing and getting really clear about my reasoning and rationale helps me make a different and intentional decision to keep on keeping on.
Give In: There's something about the phrase "give in" that just sounds negative. And yet, giving in is part of the human condition. If no one ever gave in, life would be an endless series of temper tantrums, slammed doors, raised voices, and random acts of violence. If we never gave in, no one would drive the speed limit, no one would pay their bills, and believe me when I tell you that more than one person would have been trampled to death by my shopping cart in a SuperTarget. Just like giving up, giving in is one of those things that is best done intentionally and mindfully.
There is a thin, thin line dividing giving in and shoulding all over oneself. For example, my mother-in-law is in the hospital, and I knew I should visit her. Because it's the right thing to do, blah blah blah. I really, really, really didn't want to. And I did it anyway. I gave in because it was her birthday, she's family, and if I didn't go visit her, I was just going to take a nap. However, the long list of things that I know I should be doing right now (laundry, vacuuming, walking the dog, going to the gym, organizing my closet, preparing my taxes, booking a hotel for my upcoming road trip to Fargo, ND . . .) and it's driving me nuts. I still haven't figured out how to give in without shoulding all over myself and if I do . . . you'll be among the first to know.
Giving it all I've Got: Because I've been pretty careful about setting realistic and reasonable expectations, I feel pretty good about where I've given it my all. Here are some examples of my commitment:
- MyFitnessPal tells me that I have logged my food and exercise religiously for 40 days! 40 days without skipping or lying or pretending that I've lost my phone/laptop so that I don't have to confess my food sins to an app! While I've yet to shed a single pound, I am more thoughtful about what I eat (and don't) and am starting to see some rhyme and reason to my food consumption and overconsumption. This is a habit that, while annoying to others who are forced to watch me fiddle with my phone in restaurants, coffee shops, and bars in an effort to log my food real-time, I'm happy to keep up.
- I decided to cut myself a break on the fitness front. This is actually an example of giving in and giving it all I've got. I am choosing not to spend all my free time at the gym because I have some other things going in my crazy, wild, colorful life that I'd rather give my time and energy to – so I made a deal with myself. I refuse to miss a single strength-training session with Big Bad Trainer Aaron – no matter what – and when I'm there, I am pushing myself as hard as I can. This is evidenced by the profuse amounts of sweat and the horrific grunting noises I'm emitting. (See also: big checks I write to my trainer.)
- Now that I'm almost done with my paper for work, I find that I have more time on my hands for other activities. I want to do something meaningful and helpful, so I've applied to be a volunteer at a couple of places. Unfortunately, no one seems all that enthusiastic about my offers to volunteer at their homeless shelter or their job clubs. I've filled out applications, been interviewed, and had my references checked. It's humbling to realize that I may lack the appropriate skills to work for free. If you know of an organization that would like someone like me – I'm tall, I have my own car, and I can be nice when it's required – to volunteer a couple of times a month in a role that doesn't require a lot of hand-eye coordination or crafty abilities, please let me know.
- Thrive by Le-vel Eight week experience. This is the pyramid marketing scheme I'm involved in where I take some vitamins in the morning, drink a chalky tasting low-calorie protein shake for breakfast, and wear something that looks suspiciously like a nicotine patch on my arm. I'm just over halfway through my eight week experience and while I don't think I'm going to be recruited to provide a personal testimonial, I will tell you that I continue to notice my increased energy and decreased appetite as happy side effects.
Sure, the groundhog predicts another six weeks of winter, but I predict an early spring . . . because I am continuing to spring into action and attack 2015 with a vengeance!
© 2015 Princess D
Nicely done... :)
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