As the first month of 2015 comes to a close, I can't help but wonder how everyone is doing with their resolutions. Are you still feeling resolved? Are you making progress? Or did you put your resolutions in the back of the closet, next to your acid-washed jeans, high school letter jacket, and that giant can of Rave hairspray you've been holding on to "just in case" mall hair makes a sudden comeback? More importantly, how do you feel? Are you feeling defeated? Inspired? Exhausted? Overwhelmed by a sudden desire to don legwarmers and acid washed jeans?
Although I was a wee bit tardy to the party in developing my antidote to New Year's resolutions, it's been just shy of a month since I embraced my 2015 anthem. In case it's not seared into your memory, I'll repeat it here:
And because I apparently can't take anything seriously, even (especially?) myself, I've also dubbed 2015 the year that I stop "shoulding" all over myself. That's how a ghetto princess takes a classy and lovely sentiment and keeps it real.
As I prepare to put a bow on January 2015 (that's a wrap, kids) and look forward to what February brings, I can't help but reflect on my own progress as 1/12 of the year comes to an end.
Give Up: You'll be hard-pressed to find someone as stubborn as me. When I was much, much, much younger, I remember my mom telling me, with some amount of awe in her voice, "You never, ever give up on things, Denise." I hear her voice every time I quit something, which, contrary to my mom's interpretation, I do more often than I care to admit. More than not quitting, though, I tend not to start things if I don't believe that I can succeed. I don't want to fight a losing battle. I'd rather fight battles I believe I can win. One of my biggest, scariest fears is that I don't want other people to think I'm incompetent or stupid. It's perfectly fine for me to think this about myself but darn it, you better not!
The gift that January 2015 gave me was perspective. I've struggled to make progress on things that my heart wants me to give up on. I've forced myself to keep moving when I wanted to throw in the towel and crawl into bed. Many of you know I'm writing a paper at work – a task that should be a no-brainer for someone who has a passion for writing. Instead, it's been a laborious process that's brought to light all kinds of unflattering aspects of my psychology. More importantly, the damn paper still isn't done! In fact, there is nothing I want to do more than give up on this paper and admit defeat. The consequences of that choice, however, are simply too great. I like my job when it's not making me face my inner demons and write papers. Hundreds of other people at work have gone through this process successfully. I haven't been singled out for torture. If I give up, I admit defeat and worse, I am admitting that maybe I'm not qualified for the job I have. Even I know that's bullshit, if you'll pardon my Portuguese.
There are plenty of times when giving up is the right choice to make. When you give up, you are making a choice to walk away without knowing exactly how the story will end. You are accepting the consequences, good, bad or ugly, of your choice. There are lots of appropriate times and places to give up, but January has taught me the importance of owning my choices.
Give In: I never really thought of myself as the "give-in" type – and January once again pointed out the flaw in my thinking. Every time I start shoulding on myself – every time that voice in my head says, "You really should fill-in the-blank", I give in. Giving in isn't inherently bad – as my buddy Kenny Rogers wisely said, "you've gotta know when to hold 'em, when to fold 'em." Kenny, you're a genius. If you know when to fold 'em, you're making a conscious choice to give in. You're in charge and you're calling the shots. You've weighed the options and decided that you're not going to gamble on this.
Being able to give in – and forgive yourself for giving in – is a gift. We can't be everything to everyone all the time. I'm not super-woman, no matter how many capes I may or may not have in my closet. In January, I gave in a lot. I expect the rest of the year to follow suit. I gave in and completed tasks that were nagging at me, like renewing my passport (finally). I gave in and paid my bills; balanced my checkbook; and showed up places I wasn't in the mood to be to support my friends and family. Being able to give in is a gift that I hope to learn how to give more often in 2015.
Giving it all I've Got: How many days does it take to build a new habit? Google was absolutely no help to me on this as I got a variety of answers. Regardless, I have given all I've got to MyFitnessPal, and I've successfully and truthfully logged my food for 31 days in a row. (And gained 2 pounds since my last weigh-in but that's another story.) This may seem like an incredibly tiny baby step – and it probably is – but this new "habit" is something I'm committed to because it helps me make intentional choices about food. I'm not, by nature, a mindful eater and after I take down a bag of Cheetos and a box of doughnuts, I'm ashamed. I don't want to put it in writing and be confronted with my poor choices. Giving all I've got to food logging has made me a more mindful eater and although I'm still making some questionable choices, I'm feeling more proud and less ashamed of my eating habits. This is a win!
I'm also giving my all to my strength-training. I haven't been doing the cardio I should and that's okay. I chalk that up to a "give in" since there are only so many hours in the day and I have intentionally prioritized my paper over my cardio. I haven't missed a session with Big Bad Trainer and when I am there, I am a sweaty, grunting mess. I am stronger than I've ever been and even though that means I'm still weaker than most people, I'm better than I was yesterday. It doesn't matter how tired or stressed or sad or whatever I might be – my two hours a week with Trainer Aaron are sacred to me and I won't give up on myself. I love having a trainer who is also a role model and an advocate. He's not giving up on me, so why should I?
For those that are interesting in how my guilt-induced pyramid marketing scheme is going (aka the Thrive Eight Week Experience), I'm about halfway on my journey. I'm still taking the vitamins, drinking the shake, and wearing the patch, and while it's not the miracle that the promoters will tell you it is, I am seeing some positive results that I'll share. First, I do seem to have more energy and I am awfully zesty the first few hours of the day. Second – and more important to me, frankly – is that I notice I am less inclined to my typical boredom induced snacking since I've been Thriving. I'll weight myself next week and report back on my progress.
And now, I need to find my big girl pants and get myself to the library. This paper clearly isn't going to finish itself and the sooner I get to work on it, the sooner I can call it done!
Thanks for the lessons, January! February – I'm ready for you. Show me what you've got.
© 2015 Princess D
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