There is no other way to describe my current progress. Not only am I suffering from the world's most severe case of musterbation (aka "shoulding all over myself"), but I seem to also be suffering from some debilitating form of paralytic inertia, whereby the only part of me that moves at all is my mind. And the racing thoughts and negative self-talk won't quit.
I've fallen off every wagon I've encountered, and instead of getting back up, I've chosen to lay still and let the wagon (full of shame) roll over me again and again. I'm going through the motions, certainly, but I can't help but feel disconnected from myself, as if I'm watching my days unfold on what would have to be terribly boring television show. Is this what depression looks like? Did I forget to take my pills? Am I doomed?
I took one of those Facebook quizzes today – you know the kind I'm talking about. This one was designed to tell me my worst quality, so of course, I jumped all over it since what I need more than anything is more negative self-talk and for the flipping internet to trash-talk me on top of everything else. Was I surprised to learn that I'm lazy? Uh . . . no. Lazy is one of my favorite ways to insult myself.
Have I abandoned my anthem? No – but not out of any sense of loyalty or goal-orientation or resilience, but rather sheer laziness (thanks, internet). It feels like too much work to give up. And so, I keep on keeping on, but in the most half-assed, disappointing way possible. Don't believe me? Check out my progress report:
Give Up: While I am still religiously logging my food in MyFitnessPal, I have given up on even trying to stay within my daily fat, calorie, sugar, etc goals. I took down an entire Chinese takeout menu by myself the other night. If eating 2500 calories in one sitting is wrong, someone should alert my uterus because my PMS said it was So. Very. Right. A bottle of wine for dessert? Why not?
I also appear to have given up on basic hygiene, since I honestly can't remember the last shower I took, and the less said about my hair, the better. I've been wearing the same clothes day and night for the past 48 hours and I think my deodorant went on strike about 30 hours ago. I stink but I've also given up on spritzing my pits.
I made it to the gym once in the past week and although my dog is doing everything short of leashing me up to go for a walk, I can't be bothered with the idea of exercise. It's too exhausting to think about.
Give In: I've given in to my depression. Yes, I have a prescription to help regulate my blue moods and yes, I'm taking my blue pills when I remember (which is most of the time). But you know what? I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm a disappointment to myself. And I'm a giant pain in my own ass. If you've got a cure for that, I'm all over it.
The only thing that gives me any joy right now – beyond food, sleep, and not bathing – is re-reading my favorite Patricia Highsmith books. I cannot get enough of the antics of that sociopath, Tom Ripley, which is most certainly a testament to my current state of mental health.
And honestly, I've given in to the negative self-talk and the voices in my head and all the "you're not good enough" bullshit. Fabulous.
Giving it all I've Got: Yeah. I got nothing here. I'd love to tell you that I'm giving this paper I have to write for work all I've got, but that would be a lie. It's about 60% done and I need to finish it today, so whether I want to or not, I'll be spending the afternoon at the library trying to put a bow on this pile of suck.
Okay, I lied again. I have some moderate success at giving it all I've got in three areas. First, I've managed to not bite my nails and my recent manicure is holding up nicely. I may even get another one! Second, I'm still plugging along at my Thrive Eight Week Challenge, although I wisely stayed off the scale since that last unpleasant incident, so I can't really tell you if it's working or not. And last but not least, I hit a new personal record for consecutive days of food logging with MyFitnessPal. Today is day 26 and although I'm not particularly proud of what I'm shoving in my piehole (and subsequently confessing to MyFitnessPal), I'm not giving up on this yet.
Send some positive vibes – if I don't get this paper done soon, I may need to be committed.
© 2015 Princess D
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