Knowing When To Hold Em, When to Fold Em . . .

As the first month of 2015 comes to a close, I can't help but wonder how everyone is doing with their resolutions. Are you still feeling resolved? Are you making progress? Or did you put your resolutions in the back of the closet, next to your acid-washed jeans, high school letter jacket, and that giant can of Rave hairspray you've been holding on to "just in case" mall hair makes a sudden comeback? More importantly, how do you feel? Are you feeling defeated? Inspired? Exhausted? Overwhelmed by a sudden desire to don legwarmers and acid washed jeans?

Although I was a wee bit tardy to the party in developing my antidote to New Year's resolutions, it's been just shy of a month since I embraced my 2015 anthem. In case it's not seared into your memory, I'll repeat it here:

And because I apparently can't take anything seriously, even (especially?) myself, I've also dubbed 2015 the year that I stop "shoulding" all over myself. That's how a ghetto princess takes a classy and lovely sentiment and keeps it real.

As I prepare to put a bow on January 2015 (that's a wrap, kids) and look forward to what February brings, I can't help but reflect on my own progress as 1/12 of the year comes to an end.

Give Up: You'll be hard-pressed to find someone as stubborn as me. When I was much, much, much younger, I remember my mom telling me, with some amount of awe in her voice, "You never, ever give up on things, Denise." I hear her voice every time I quit something, which, contrary to my mom's interpretation, I do more often than I care to admit. More than not quitting, though, I tend not to start things if I don't believe that I can succeed. I don't want to fight a losing battle. I'd rather fight battles I believe I can win. One of my biggest, scariest fears is that I don't want other people to think I'm incompetent or stupid. It's perfectly fine for me to think this about myself but darn it, you better not!

The gift that January 2015 gave me was perspective. I've struggled to make progress on things that my heart wants me to give up on. I've forced myself to keep moving when I wanted to throw in the towel and crawl into bed. Many of you know I'm writing a paper at work – a task that should be a no-brainer for someone who has a passion for writing. Instead, it's been a laborious process that's brought to light all kinds of unflattering aspects of my psychology. More importantly, the damn paper still isn't done! In fact, there is nothing I want to do more than give up on this paper and admit defeat. The consequences of that choice, however, are simply too great. I like my job when it's not making me face my inner demons and write papers. Hundreds of other people at work have gone through this process successfully. I haven't been singled out for torture. If I give up, I admit defeat and worse, I am admitting that maybe I'm not qualified for the job I have. Even I know that's bullshit, if you'll pardon my Portuguese.

There are plenty of times when giving up is the right choice to make. When you give up, you are making a choice to walk away without knowing exactly how the story will end. You are accepting the consequences, good, bad or ugly, of your choice. There are lots of appropriate times and places to give up, but January has taught me the importance of owning my choices.

Give In: I never really thought of myself as the "give-in" type – and January once again pointed out the flaw in my thinking. Every time I start shoulding on myself – every time that voice in my head says, "You really should fill-in the-blank", I give in. Giving in isn't inherently bad – as my buddy Kenny Rogers wisely said, "you've gotta know when to hold 'em, when to fold 'em." Kenny, you're a genius. If you know when to fold 'em, you're making a conscious choice to give in. You're in charge and you're calling the shots. You've weighed the options and decided that you're not going to gamble on this.

Being able to give in – and forgive yourself for giving in – is a gift. We can't be everything to everyone all the time. I'm not super-woman, no matter how many capes I may or may not have in my closet. In January, I gave in a lot. I expect the rest of the year to follow suit. I gave in and completed tasks that were nagging at me, like renewing my passport (finally). I gave in and paid my bills; balanced my checkbook; and showed up places I wasn't in the mood to be to support my friends and family. Being able to give in is a gift that I hope to learn how to give more often in 2015.

Giving it all I've Got: How many days does it take to build a new habit? Google was absolutely no help to me on this as I got a variety of answers. Regardless, I have given all I've got to MyFitnessPal, and I've successfully and truthfully logged my food for 31 days in a row. (And gained 2 pounds since my last weigh-in but that's another story.) This may seem like an incredibly tiny baby step – and it probably is – but this new "habit" is something I'm committed to because it helps me make intentional choices about food. I'm not, by nature, a mindful eater and after I take down a bag of Cheetos and a box of doughnuts, I'm ashamed. I don't want to put it in writing and be confronted with my poor choices. Giving all I've got to food logging has made me a more mindful eater and although I'm still making some questionable choices, I'm feeling more proud and less ashamed of my eating habits. This is a win! 

I'm also giving my all to my strength-training. I haven't been doing the cardio I should and that's okay. I chalk that up to a "give in" since there are only so many hours in the day and I have intentionally prioritized my paper over my cardio. I haven't missed a session with Big Bad Trainer and when I am there, I am a sweaty, grunting mess. I am stronger than I've ever been and even though that means I'm still weaker than most people, I'm better than I was yesterday. It doesn't matter how tired or stressed or sad or whatever I might be – my two hours a week with Trainer Aaron are sacred to me and I won't give up on myself. I love having a trainer who is also a role model and an advocate. He's not giving up on me, so why should I?

For those that are interesting in how my guilt-induced pyramid marketing scheme is going (aka the Thrive Eight Week Experience), I'm about halfway on my journey. I'm still taking the vitamins, drinking the shake, and wearing the patch, and while it's not the miracle that the promoters will tell you it is, I am seeing some positive results that I'll share. First, I do seem to have more energy and I am awfully zesty the first few hours of the day. Second – and more important to me, frankly – is that I notice I am less inclined to my typical boredom induced snacking since I've been Thriving. I'll weight myself next week and report back on my progress.

And now, I need to find my big girl pants and get myself to the library. This paper clearly isn't going to finish itself and the sooner I get to work on it, the sooner I can call it done!
Thanks for the lessons, January! February – I'm ready for you. Show me what you've got.

© 2015 Princess D


 

No Shame in My Game

Allow me to re-introduce myself. My name is Denise, but I like to be called "Princess" – because in my world, I'm reigning over a kingdom and I rock the tiara. My head is perfectly shaped for tiaras and other blingy accessories. If it were socially acceptable, I'd wear one every single day. If I get a paper cut on my finger, you'll be able to hear me moaning in pain from at least four states away. If someone pisses me off . . . well, you'll be able to hear about that provided that you live on earth and possess ears. Bottom line? I have a penchant for the melodramatic, and when I get into a funk, I can host a pity party that would put any Real Housewife to shame.

My recent rant, titled Epic Fail, is a classic example of this. In fact, the very act of writing it was incredibly therapeutic, because I got to take all the voices inside my head and mock them on the interwebs. You may be relieved to hear that shortly after posting Epic Fail, I not only finished the first draft of my personal Moby Dick (the ten page paper I must do for work), but I also rectified my bathing situation and took a damn shower. There was lathering, rinsing, and repeating. I even used conditioner.

I want to be honest – yes, I do suffer from depression. Lots of people do. It's a real thing, and while many of us have found ways to live with it, not everyone is so fortunate. Thankfully, 80% of people who seek treatment for depression are treated successfully and yay, me, for being part of the 80%! But here's the caveat – you need to seek treatment in order to be counted in that statistic. And although we can at least talk about depression today, there is a stigma surrounding mental illness. I don't list clinical depression on my LinkedIn profile – because I am more than some lousy brain chemistry. I also have hypertension – so I am lousy brain chemistry combined with at a high risk for heart disease and stroke. But I'm a lot more than those labels, too.

Is there a point here? I'm getting there. 40,000 people will die by suicide this year. Most of them will die without having sought professional care. In the time it takes me to write this blog post, two people will commit suicide – and the world will lose out on the opportunity to let their light shine. Untreated depression is one of the leading causes of suicide. And suicide is permanent and forever. My dear friend Nate struggled and fought mental illness but ultimately, lost his fight when he took his life nearly 15 years ago. Guess what? The people who love him feel his absence every single day. Me included.

Here's my point. Yes – I'm a drama queen. Yes, I feel like an epic failure sometimes. I hear that's normal. Thank the good Lord above that I have friends and family and a pharmacist who all love me. (Ok, maybe not my pharmacist. He's an old guy at Walgreens). More importantly, I know that they will put up with my mood swings and my drama and my pity party and my eating cake for dinner. Some of them read my Epic Fail blog and had a good chuckle, while others (my nice friends), gave me pep talks. My husband, who knows exactly what he signed up for when he met me at the altar, provided me with wine and popcorn. He truly is a prince. He even has my dinner ready for me when I come home from work! Best guy ever!!!

Bottom line – I rock my anthem even when I'm not trying to. Because let me tell you this - I gave coping with my depression everything I had yesterday. And today, I feel better. If anyone is looking for me, I'll be at the gym.

Ps. If you feel so inclined and want to donate a couple of bucks to a great cause, may I recommend www.save.org? And if you really want to make my day, tell SAVE that you want to donate to the Nathan Corbett Named Memorial Fund.

 

© 2015 Princess D

Epic Fail

There is no other way to describe my current progress. Not only am I suffering from the world's most severe case of musterbation (aka "shoulding all over myself"), but I seem to also be suffering from some debilitating form of paralytic inertia, whereby the only part of me that moves at all is my mind. And the racing thoughts and negative self-talk won't quit.

I've fallen off every wagon I've encountered, and instead of getting back up, I've chosen to lay still and let the wagon (full of shame) roll over me again and again. I'm going through the motions, certainly, but I can't help but feel disconnected from myself, as if I'm watching my days unfold on what would have to be terribly boring television show. Is this what depression looks like? Did I forget to take my pills? Am I doomed?

I took one of those Facebook quizzes today – you know the kind I'm talking about. This one was designed to tell me my worst quality, so of course, I jumped all over it since what I need more than anything is more negative self-talk and for the flipping internet to trash-talk me on top of everything else. Was I surprised to learn that I'm lazy? Uh . . . no. Lazy is one of my favorite ways to insult myself.

Have I abandoned my anthem? No – but not out of any sense of loyalty or goal-orientation or resilience, but rather sheer laziness (thanks, internet). It feels like too much work to give up. And so, I keep on keeping on, but in the most half-assed, disappointing way possible. Don't believe me? Check out my progress report:

Give Up: While I am still religiously logging my food in MyFitnessPal, I have given up on even trying to stay within my daily fat, calorie, sugar, etc goals. I took down an entire Chinese takeout menu by myself the other night. If eating 2500 calories in one sitting is wrong, someone should alert my uterus because my PMS said it was So. Very. Right. A bottle of wine for dessert? Why not?

I also appear to have given up on basic hygiene, since I honestly can't remember the last shower I took, and the less said about my hair, the better. I've been wearing the same clothes day and night for the past 48 hours and I think my deodorant went on strike about 30 hours ago. I stink but I've also given up on spritzing my pits.

I made it to the gym once in the past week and although my dog is doing everything short of leashing me up to go for a walk, I can't be bothered with the idea of exercise. It's too exhausting to think about.

Give In: I've given in to my depression. Yes, I have a prescription to help regulate my blue moods and yes, I'm taking my blue pills when I remember (which is most of the time). But you know what? I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm a disappointment to myself. And I'm a giant pain in my own ass. If you've got a cure for that, I'm all over it.

The only thing that gives me any joy right now – beyond food, sleep, and not bathing – is re-reading my favorite Patricia Highsmith books. I cannot get enough of the antics of that sociopath, Tom Ripley, which is most certainly a testament to my current state of mental health.

And honestly, I've given in to the negative self-talk and the voices in my head and all the "you're not good enough" bullshit. Fabulous.

Giving it all I've Got: Yeah. I got nothing here. I'd love to tell you that I'm giving this paper I have to write for work all I've got, but that would be a lie. It's about 60% done and I need to finish it today, so whether I want to or not, I'll be spending the afternoon at the library trying to put a bow on this pile of suck.

Okay, I lied again. I have some moderate success at giving it all I've got in three areas. First, I've managed to not bite my nails and my recent manicure is holding up nicely. I may even get another one! Second, I'm still plugging along at my Thrive Eight Week Challenge, although I wisely stayed off the scale since that last unpleasant incident, so I can't really tell you if it's working or not. And last but not least, I hit a new personal record for consecutive days of food logging with MyFitnessPal. Today is day 26 and although I'm not particularly proud of what I'm shoving in my piehole (and subsequently confessing to MyFitnessPal), I'm not giving up on this yet.

Send some positive vibes – if I don't get this paper done soon, I may need to be committed.

© 2015 Princess D

It's an Anthem, Not a Miracle

I'm not quite certain where I got the idea that adopting an anthem would grant me super powers, making me immune to the everyday stress, anxiety, and failures that are part of the normal human condition. In fact, it wasn't until this week that I realized how fallible I am – a phenomenon that occurred around the same time I traded my invisible jet and cape for a pointy hat and broomstick.

Did I relapse and should all over myself? Unclear. Did I find myself overwhelmed by the demands that adult life placed on me? Definitely. I recognize that most grown-ups are able to do things like fill their gas tanks; vacuum their carpets; grocery shop; renew their passports; and hold down a job without bursting into tears or randomly punching strangers in the gonads. Congratulations, functional adults. Your example merely ensures that my subterranean self-esteem will remain at record low levels.

I knew I was in trouble when I succumbed to a full blown temper tantrum a few days ago. What should have been a simple misunderstanding got really personal, really fast and feelings got hurt all over the place. This was not the place to give it all I've got, and yet there I was, intentionally inflicting wounds with my words and marinating in a stew of my own self-pity. I even cried real tears. This is remarkable because I am one of those annoying people who cries only during Lifetime movies; funerals; and when something heavy gets dropped on them. I occasionally tear up from rage, but I can count on one hand the number of sobfests I've experienced in the past five years. After the tears dried, apologies were offered, and we reached détente, I did should on myself. I still felt really ragged, vulnerable, and raw – but instead of spending any time trying to figure out why or feeling my feelings, I decided that I should get over it. Care to guess how well that worked out?

I'm still rocking my anthem – but I now recognize that it's an anthem, not a shield. And even an anthem can have a dark side. For those keeping score, here's how I fared:

Give In: there is wisdom in the Serenity Prayer, and I decided to accept the things I cannot change by giving in, sucking it up, and getting them done. Renewing my passport is one of those "should" that's been nagging at me for months, so I finally made time to make it happen. Because I am irony's bitch, when I did finally head out to renew my passport, I learned that this process is largely handled by US Mail now – so there was not a government office willing to assist me in my pursuit. I did manage to get some unattractive photos taken, and I am pleased to report that my passport renewal is now in the mail, along with a check for $110. Italy – I am coming for you in about 170 days.

I also gave in on the professional front. My employer requires everyone in my position to write and present a paper reflecting how they have demonstrated the functional competencies required in the role within the first three years of employment. No one enjoys this process and there is a lot of teeth gnashing and whining and complaining – but everyone manages to get it done. My paper is due in about ten days and I haven't made a lot of progress on it. I've tried – I really have – but it's hard to write and worse, it's hard to find the time to write it. Do I want to think about work in my precious free time? Not really. But I need to get over it, and so I am giving in. I have 20% of the paper written and I am holding myself accountable for getting it to 80% by next weekend. Pretty sure this means I'll continue my reign of terror as the wicked witch of Golden Valley for the foreseeable future.

Give Up: I gave up on my vow to stay off the scale until February 1^st. Huge mistake. HUGE. I convinced myself that I was doing such an excellent job logging my food in MyFitnessPal; religiously attending all scheduled workouts with Big Bad Trainer; and even squeezing a cardio session in here and there. I told myself, "Self," I said, "Obviously the scale will reflect your commitment to giving it all you've got. Get on there and let's see how amazing you are!"

A few observations: one, I have not yet figured out how to lose weight while I sleep; two, it's going to take more than two weeks of effort to reflect a meaningful difference on the scale or in how my pants fit; three, I should stick to my guns. Had I waited until February to step on the scale, I could have prevented this week's self-flagellation. By the way – I do know that it's asinine to define my self-worth by those three numbers on the scale, but dealing with that demon falls squarely into the category of something I should do, and thus, is off the table for the time being.

Giving It All I've Got: I haven't missed a beat on MyFitnessPal all year. I've logged everything, even when I've had red wine for dinner or when I've inhaled an entire bag of microwave popcorn as a "snack". This is probably the longest streak of food journaling I've ever achieved, and moreover, the most honest. I'm intentional about what I eat (most of the time) and I'm making a valiant effort to stay under my calorie and fat goals each day. Frankly, I think I'm doing an awesome job and perhaps MyFitnessPal needs to send a memo to my damn scale to let it know how hard I'm working.

In other news, I have been a nail biter most of my life. Not only do I bite, but I pick at my nails and my cuticles. My fingertips often look as if I invited a colony of termites to snack on them. I decided to give "not eating my own flesh" all I've got with some successful results. I've caught myself unconsciously placing a fingertip near my teeth and I've managed to stop before doing any damage. In fact, my hands almost look human now so I am treating myself to a manicure today to celebrate my success.

I'm still conducting my pyramid marketing experiment with Thrive supplements. Since I had the unfortunate incident with my scale recently, I'm less thrilled but committed to completing the rest of my eight week experience.

Last but not least, I'm still writing – a sign that I'm still giving it all I've got. And that is enough.

 
© 2015 Princess D


 

 

You Say You Want an EVOLUTION . . .

Although I’m less than two weeks into my “anti-musterbation” campaign (totally sounds X-rated.  I’m blushing now!), I’m intrigued by the results. As a person famous for shoulding all over herself, I get into a real tailspin as the calendar turns from one year to the next. I don’t want to set up myself up to fail – and according to this very depressing article I just read, only 8% of people actually achieve their resolutions – but that rotten little voice inside my head is screaming, “You SHOULD make resolutions!  You SHOULD be a better person this year!”  This inevitably leads to a “should I / shouldn’t I?” argument, which invariably leads to a heaping helping of guilt and shame no matter what choice I make.  I’ll either fail to make resolutions (shameful) or I’ll make them and like 92% of my fellow Americans, I’ll fail to keep them (guilt-inducing).  When I resolved to skip resolutions, I gave myself a get out of jail free card, and I’m enjoying the freedom from resolution-related guilt.

Everywhere I go, I’m surrounded by people talking about their resolutions, wearing their fitbits or pedometers or whatever the latest “move your big butt” gadget is that’s out there. The gym is crowded. There are a lot more people hanging out in the produce section at the grocery store. I applaud all these resolved persons – even though I know that 92% of them are doomed to fail – and I feel a profound sense of relief when I realize that I’ve escaped this should-madness.

At this risk of sounding like an egomaniac, I almost feel like I’m more evolved than my fellow Americans.  My 2015 anthem has liberated me. I’m still striving to be a better person, but I’m doing it on my own terms.  I can feel my tail shrinking as I type this!

So, how’s it going?  Well . . . here’s the latest:

Give In:

I finally gave in and scheduled time to go renew my passport.  This is something that I not only “should” do, it’s something I need to do if I plan on accompanying my husband on the trip to Italy we’re planning to take in July (and since I’ve already paid for it, not going would be pretty stupid.) Beyond renewing my passport, I’m also changing my name.  Since I’ve been married for almost two years, it’s probably time to update my passport with my new name.

I’m due to meet my friend Mark at the passport office in an hour. We’re quite a pair. I was waiting until I could get my teeth whitened and hair styled before I got my passport mugshot taken . . . (I should look amazing in my passport photo, right?).  He reminded me not to wear colors that would wash me out and offered to lend my some Preparation H to “schmear on the bags under my eyes.”  We’re obviously planning to treat ourselves to happy hour afterwards to reward ourselves for doing something normal people do every single day.   

Give Up:

I worked out with Big, Bad Personal Trainer on Saturday. It was my first hardcore strength workout in over a week, and he had no mercy. None. I seem to recall that we were mostly focused on legs, although there was an incident with some push-ups. (Modified as I lack the upper body strength to hoist 170 pounds from the floor to the air while fighting with the earth’s gravitational forces). When I woke up on Sunday morning, I noticed that the only parts of my body that didn’t hurt were my eyelashes and my fingernails. 

In spite of my aches and pains, I tentatively planned on going to the gym to do some cardio on Sunday afternoon. I took a nap instead. I gave up on cardio – and it felt good.

Giving It All I’ve Got:

It’s a small victory, but MyFitnessPal and I have reached a milestone in our relationship. I’ve logged in for 14 days in a row, which is a tiny miracle in and of itself. Even more amazing is the fact that I’ve religiously logged everything I’ve eaten, even when I’ve embarrassed us both by stuffing my face full of homemade caramels or delicious puffcorn.  Have I lost any weight yet?  Unclear. I don’t want to get on the scale prematurely, because the three numbers on that scale have the ability to send me spiraling into a deep canyon of depression. I am, however, wearing a “skinny” pair of pants to work today. I seem to recall that I never wore these without Spanx previously and today, there is nothing between me and these pants but my Hanes Her Way.  (Confession: I can’t seem to locate my Spanx or I’d be wearing them now, too.)

Another area where I’m giving it all I’ve got is this Thrive Eight Week Experience I referenced in my last post.  Don’t worry – I haven’t been brainwashed and I’m not planning to retire on the income I generate in this pyramid marketing scheme.  I am, however, starting my day with their women’s vitamin formula and following it up with a not-horrific shake, and I feel pretty good. Maybe it’s all in my head but as long as I feel this zesty, I’m going to keep on keeping on.

© 2015 Princess D

Extra Cheese

Desperate times call for desperate measures. If you are lactose intolerant or triteness causes allergic outbreaks, I urge you to flee this scene as quickly as your legs can take you – because it's about to get real cheesy up in here. The road to hell is paved with my good intentions – although, given the current polar vortex weather conditions, spending the afterlife in a really, really hot place doesn't sound half bad.  But I digress.  As I find myself again sitting in an airport (this time, heading home), I have the time to reflect on my week, and as I have done every single day lo this shiny new year, I'm wondering how much I've should on myself.

I have some good news and I have some bad news.  While I'm not shoulding my pants or anything, it was hard to rock the "give up, give in, give it all I've got" anthem on my business trip this week. And in retrospect, I'm afraid that I gave in when I should have given up and gave up when I should have given it my all, so that rotten voice in my head that likes to should all over the place is writhing with joy in the piles of guilt and shame.

If you've ever had the pleasure of attending a business strategy session, what I'm about to describe is going to sound familiar.  You know the routine.  You receive the invitation to the two day meeting.  You book your travel when you realize it's not in your hometown. Someone creates a PowerPoint template for the meeting.  You're given a 45 minute time slot to read your PowerPoint slides out loud to a group of people who are too busy mentally rehearsing their own presentations to listen to you – and even if they weren't, no one really cares about what you have to say except for that one guy who likes to ask really hard questions and make you look stupid. You're trapped in a room that is either too warm or too cold for a full day.  Meals, beverages, and snacks are provided because we all know that low blood sugar is the leading cause of workplace violence, and that many senior executives in a room is already a health hazard. Breakfast consists of boxed coffee, bagels, muffins, and assorted danishes.  If you're really lucky, some anemic-looking fruit might make a cameo appearance.  A box lunch, complete with cookies, chips, and an apple will be provided at some point, making the room stink like ego and onions.  If your meeting planner is gold standard, alternating salty and sweet snacks will appear at regular intervals.  In many cases, you shovel food into your face not because you're hungry but so:

A.      Your mouth is full and therefore, you are not forced to speak with others.  You're an introvert, remember?

B.      You have an excuse to stand up since your ass is falling asleep from all the sitting.  Also, you're pretty sure you can feel your hips expanding real time.

C.      In a desperate attempt to alleviate your boredom, you think that the act of chewing will take your mind off bribing someone to call in a bomb threat so you can escape the meeting

I swore to myself that this time would be different. And, in many ways, it was – yet, when I look at MyFitnessPal's diary entries from the city of brotherly love, I cannot help but feel disappointed in myself. Here's what went down:

Give Up 

Because I knew I wouldn't have time to get my sweat on (unless you count sitting in sauna-like heat in a meeting room as exercise), I gave up on the idea of exercise while on my business trip and instead focused my energy on making sure I logged every morsel that passed my lips. See also: "All I've Got, Giving.
I also gave up on eating everything that was put in front of me . . . for example, I declined the tasty looking appetizers at dinner and I also opted for coffee instead of dessert. I removed the chips and cookie from my box lunch before I started eating it so I would not mindlessly shovel salt, fat, and grease in my pie hole.

Give In
I'm always secretly hoping for an easier way to reach my goals. I believe in silver bullets, in purple unicorns, and in a world where I can lose weight in my sleep. I also am a sucker for someone who sets a goal and needs some help reaching it. When these converge, it usually means that I find myself sucked into some friend or acquaintances' pyramid marketing scheme. This time is no different, and I found myself signing up for the Thrive eight week experience, which involves purchasing and then ingesting vitamins, a protein shake, and slapping a patch on my arm that provides time-released vitamin and minerals to my body. Or something.

I'm a natural skeptic, but . . . I'm a few days into my eight week experience and I have to tell you . . . I feel pretty good. Whether it's a by-product of the pyramid marketing scheme or a placebo effect remains to be seen, but I do notice that I'm a little more zesty and energetic these days. Stay tuned for more updates as I continue this journey. Wouldn't it be great if I could lose weight while I sleep?

Giving It All I've Got
I religiously logged all my food in MyFitnessPal. Because I committed to doing this, I was much more intentional about my eating and drinking. In spite of that, there was an incident with an apple-cinnamon muffin that had a shocking 450 calories and 50 grams of sugar (!) and yes, I did have a tiny bite of dessert and some wine. Needless to say, I went WAY over my daily calorie goal – and seeing it in black and white was kind of shocking. I still count this as a win, though, because I didn't do what I've done in the past, which is to abandon MyFitnessPal the second I fall off the wagon. I ate the damn muffin, I logged it, and life goes on. So yes, I am giving MyFitnessPal all I've got.

The second area where I'm giving it all I've got is in documenting my journey in this virtual journal. Writing is therapeutic for me and I should find time to do it more frequently. There I go, shoulding all over myself again. Reflecting on my experience and then writing it down helps me keep it real. I'm going to keep on keeping on with it.

On the Road (Again)

Today is the fifth day of the year and the first Monday of the first full work week of 2015. Although I didn't take much time off over the holidays this year, I enjoyed the slower pace of my work days and in particular, I enjoyed the sound of my phone not ringing off the hook. The enjoyment was short-lived, however, as everyone returned to work today full of piss and vinegar and ready to tackle 2015.  I’m no different, except that I find myself sitting at MSP airport this afternoon, waiting for a flight to Philadelphia that will get me to my final destination somewhere around 10 PM.

I like to take a few moments every morning to review my calendar for the day – and on Mondays, I take a few extra moments to review the week in its entirety.  Not only does this help me get organized and plan for what’s coming, it also helps me figure out how horrified I should feel about the week at any given moment.  Today’s calendar scan revealed the introvert’s worst nightmare; 12 hours of meetings followed by a “business dinner”.  Translation: leave my hotel at 7 AM ET (which feels like 6 AM to my body, since I operate on central time), hopefully pop into my local Starbucks for motivation in a cardboard cup, and then a full day of nodding, smiling, and pretending to be super-interested in every person and idea that crosses my path.  Exhausting only begins to describe the very special form of torture this is to my inner introvert.

I’m doubly cursed, as you now know, since I am both an introvert and queen of shoulding all over myself.  When I travel for work, I always have these big ideas that I’ll work out in the hotel fitness center every day; eat healthy; catch up on my sleep; and tackle big terrible work projects with ease.  This invariably leads to both over-packing and extreme stress, since I never have time to do any of these things and I wind up beating myself up for failing to do what I believe I should.  How might this time be different?

Give Up

I’m giving up on the idea of working out today.  Barring any flight delays (and as a side note, I have the worst travel karma in the world, so there will be some type of delay), luggage mishap, or rental car debacle, the very earliest I might arrive at my hotel is 10 PM ET, at which point I expect to be hungry like the wolf, exhausted to the point of tears, and depressed to realize that I have to be up and at ‘em in less than eight hours.  Cardio is so not going to happen.  I’m giving up the dream and I’ve giving myself permission to take the day off.  In fact, I’m forced to give myself permission to take tomorrow off as well, since the marathon meeting and forced fun afterward means another 15 hour day. 

Just because I’m giving up on cardio for the next 48 hours doesn’t mean I’m destined to be a big, fat, unfit loser.  I’m just being realistic and shutting down the shoulds. You know what?  It feels good.

Give In

While I might be complaining a bit about traveling and a bit more about all the meetings and how busy my schedule is, I prefer busy and gainfully employed to the alternate.  Since these meetings are going to happen whether I wake up on the extroverted side of the bed tomorrow or not, I am giving in and committing to full participation and engagement.  This is a great opportunity to meet face-to-face with key business leaders, get our 2015 strategic plan and tactics underway, and I get the entire bed to myself for three nights.  I love my husband and I love my pets – but I will enjoy not having Carl the cat wrapping himself around my throat and choking me while I slumber. 

What this also means is giving up on the idea that I’ll make progress on this paper I must write for work.  The due date is fast approaching but it’s simply not realistic to think that I’ll make progress on it while I’m in Philadelphia.  So instead of shoulding all over myself, I simply gave in and scheduled time on my calendar to work on the paper this weekend.  I did the same thing with project passport renewal, and I’ve got time blocked on Tuesday the 13^th to tackle this “should do” item. Check back in with me next week for a progress report.

Give It My All

Just because I’m away from home, in meetings, and my routine is thrown off doesn’t mean that I am giving myself a free pass on the food/eating/nutrition front.  While I recognize that it may be difficult to eat healthy while I’m on the road, I am giving MyFitnessPal my all.  Every morsel that passes my lips will be tracked and recorded, and I will do my very best to stay on track.  While this may not sound like giving it my all, I assure you, it is.  There is a high degree of likelihood that I will wind up stuffing my face with salt, fat, sugar and grease while I’m away from home.  In the past, when I’ve . . . uh . . . overindulged, I’ve abandoned MyFitnessPal like I abandoned leg-warmers and acid washed jeans.  This time will be different.  No matter what I eat, no matter how bad it is, no matter how much negative feedback MyFitnessPal gives me under the guise of motivation, I will not give up my four day tracking spree. I am in it to win it. 

72 Hours In . . . So Far, So Good

By eschewing the standard New Year's resolution process, waiting for inspiration to hit in the form of not one but two friend-recommended blogs, and adopting an anthem for 2015, I managed to do what I do best; procrastinate. Regardless, I was feeling pretty motivated to fulfill my "give up, give in, or give it your all" mantra and I knew that one of the most important steps I needed to take was to stop shoulding all over myself.

For those of you who are perhaps not familiar with the concept of "shoulding" all over yourself, let me first congratulate you on achieving a level of self-actualization I merely aspire to. Let me also help shed some light on what the hell I'm talking about by providing you a definition. Psychologist Clayton Barbeau coined the phrase "shoulding yourself" to describe the cognitive distortion that people experience when they tell themselves they have an obligation to do something different from what they are actually doing. (Another psychologist – clearly Freudian, if you want my opinion – terms this "musterbation". Thanks, Albert Ellis. While a clever turn of phrase, it also sounds very dirty and we shall refrain from such talk around here.) If you, like me, spend all day, every day telling yourself what you "should" do – and if you've forgotten what you even want anymore – you're probably shoulding all over yourself. Whatever the specific shoulds are on your unique list, they almost always add up to the same should. You should be better than you are. Peel that onion and you'll realize that what all those shoulds are really telling you is that, as you are, you aren't good enough.

A lifetime of shoulding is a hard habit to break. My brain starts shoulding even before my eyes fully open in the morning, and by the time my feet hit the floor, I'm already carrying a list of at least five shoulds with me to the bathroom. Since shoulding is as innate as breathing, I know I won't be able to stop shoulding cold turkey. In fact, there is some value in my shoulding as it ensures that I do things like pay my bills; file my income taxes before April 15; and shower on a semi-regular basis. (True confession: I probably could and should shower more. But who has the time and energy for that?)

Since I can't seem to turn off the shoulding, I decided to take a different approach. Why not subject my should list to the three choices I've adopted as my annual anthem? For each item on my should list, I'll make a choice. I'll consciously decide to give up, give in, or give it my all. Whether or not this will ultimately prove to be a successful strategy remains to be seen. But 72 hours into my new and improved 2015, here are some preliminary results:

Give In
Those bills piling up in the kitchen weren't going to pay themselves, so I decided to give in and tackle that unpleasant task. In doing so, I found a check for $567 that needed to be deposited into my bank account, which was a pleasant surprise and an opportunity to try out the mobile deposit feature on my new Wings Financial app.

I loaded and unloaded the dishwasher on multiple occasions, and I de-cluttered and sanitized the kitchen counters.

I returned phone calls to everyone in my personal life who'd left a message in the past 72 hours, which may not seem like a big deal but as a massive introvert, sometimes I just want to retreat to the cone of silence and do nothing but listen to my cat purr.

I had a half-full bottle of red wine in the kitchen, and I gave in and polished it off, single glass at a time, over the course of the last three days.

And I took my vitamin D.

Guess what? Those marketing geniuses at Nike were right about "Just Do It." By giving in and just doing these little shoulds instead of obsessing over them, I can check them off my list and I feel pretty good that they're done. So – giving in ain't all bad. Who knew?

Give It My All
I have religiously tracked every morsel that has passed these lips in MyFitnessPal since January 2^nd. While a three day logging streak is hardly cause for fireworks and a parade, instead of wishing I had tracked my food or thinking, "Geesh – I really should have tracked my food," I'm making it a priority and I am getting it done.  Spoiler alert: I've been under my daily calorie goal every single day!

Yes, my health is very important to me, but I am also quite shallow and vain. I don't just want to feel good, darn it . . . I want to look good! And at my advanced age, that means exercise. I recently read an article suggesting that people in my demographic should (there's that word again!) commit to at least 150 minutes of cardio each week. I've been doing closer to 15 minutes of cardio each week, so I clearly have room for improvement and an opportunity to give it my all. While I didn't reach the recommended 150 minutes of cardio, I'm proud to report that I clocked 128 minutes of cardio this week. I should also point out that I had to compete with New Year's resolutioners for cardio equipment at my cut-rate, bargain basement gym, which required me to demonstrate both cardio endurance and supreme patience.

I even ate a big salad for dinner last night. With lots of leafy green vegetables.

I'm also giving journaling my all, which is new for me. Writing is both a hobby and a form of therapy for me, and yet in the past year, I haven't written anything other than memos, emails, and big fat checks. I know there will be days when I'm too busy or too tired to document my journey, but I love the idea of a daily (or at least, regularly recurring) habit of writing. So far, I'm enjoying the writing process as much as I'm enjoying this little social science experiment I've undertaken.

Give Up

I gave up on a load of laundry that made it from the washer to the dryer, where it continues to sit. My husband likes to remind me that the dryer is not, in fact, a clothing storage device. I disagree. I could get up, go downstairs, and fold the laundry but honestly, I don't feel like it and so I am intentionally giving up. Notice how I said that I could get up, not that I should. I think I'm making progress!

I went to the gym today for a cardio workout. I hopped onto an elliptical machine, hit quick start, and began shaking my money maker. Although I swear I was moving as fast as my legs could, the elliptical went into "pause" mode after about 30 seconds. I hit reset and tried again. Same result. Third time? Not the charm either. At this point, I was beyond irritated. I already wasn't really in the mood to give it my all anyway, and the elliptical machine was conspiring against me. Since there was nary an elliptical machine or treadmill available for use, I jumped on a recumbent bike where I painfully eked out 37 minutes of cardio. Every second was pure agony and I could not stop staring at the clock. While my goal was to go for 45 minutes, at minute 37 I noticed that I'd burned about 300 calories, gave up, and didn't look back.

While I'm still tempted to should all over myself – and while I'm still carrying around a wagon full of shoulds everywhere I go – I'm pleased to note that reframing my decisions as choices and intentionally choosing to give up, give in, or give it my all is making a positive difference. Mind you, it's only been about 72 hours so only time will tell.

© 2015 Princess D


 

 

 

 

Where the Rubber Meets the Road

As it turns out, abandoning the notion of New Year's resolutions and adopting a yearly theme (or, as I like to call mine, an annual anthem) is a great start. Unfortunately, this isn't all you have to do. After selecting the catchy, "Give up, give, in, or give it all you've got" as my mantra, I did not magically lose weight while I slept. I was not blessed with a succession of great hair days in a row. My house failed to vacuum itself. While setting a yearly theme and posting it prominently in my cubicle was a great start, sadly, I was going to have to do some heavy lifting if I wanted different results. And that, friends, was enough to send me racing to my bedroom and the solace of my furry Cookie Monster pajamas.

True confession: I am great at starting things. I can frequently overcome my inertia, put on my big girl pants (not to be confused with my Cookie Monster pants), and try something new. In fact, I start things all the time. My problem isn't with starting . . . it's with maintenance. As it turns out, I seem to require constant validation and positive reinforcement in order to persist in any undertaking. If those are in short supply, guilt, shame and/or fear are excellent substitutes. I get up every morning and go to work, not because I love my job but because I'm afraid of being homeless and in debt. Don't get me wrong – I like my job, I really do – but it's definitely a job and not a vocation. Such is the motivating factor of fear.

I quit more things than I start, and if I'm being brutally honest, I have an even worse habit of half-assing my way through things. The real reason that I've gained ten pounds while working out with Trainer Aaron for two hours a week is that I'm full of shit. I show up, I move heavy stuff around, but as soon as I leave Trainer Aaron's watchful eyes, I mainline wine and carb-laden snacks like a Tasmanian devil with an eating disorder. About once a week, I decide to get serious about cleaning up my diet, and I start logging my food on MyFitnessPal. My longest successful stretch of food logging is five days, because let's face it – I don't really want to be confronted with evidence of the "all Cheetos and wine, all the time" lifestyle every time I pick up my phone.

Between starting things I'll either quit within a matter of moments or worse, half-assing my way through like some kind of zombie, I've developed an impressive list of "shoulds" on my to do list. Each day, I get out of bed and from the moment my feet hit the floor, I start "shoulding" all over myself. Today's should list looks like this . . . I should:

• Do laundry
• Go to the gym and do at least 45 minutes of cardio
• Pay bills
• Renew my passport (nope, still not done)
• Log all my food in MyFitnessPal
• Walk the dog
• Make progress on this terrible work project with a looming deadline that could cost me my job if I don't get it done
• Pack for my upcoming trip to PA
• Buy groceries
• Call my friend Eugene
• Use my Groupons before they expire
• Start writing again (or at least, figure out what to do with my two old and half-completed blogs)
• Organize my closet

By the time 6 PM rolled around, I'd accomplished only one of the things on my should list, and I was already in my Cookie Monster pants and thinking about a glass of wine. Oh, hell – who are we kidding? I was already enjoying a glass of wine from the comfort of my bed, surrounding by all my favorite portable electronic devices, when I stumbled upon yet another life-changing blog, written by PropellerGirl, Deena Ebbert, where she published a clever and inspiring diary of her 100 day challenge journey. Her journey – and journal – were so well-written and so entertaining, I binge read her entire journal in one sitting and realized that my friend Serendipity was paying me another visit.

Do yourself a favor and read Deena's blog. I'm awfully glad I did, because her story gave me the kick in the pants I needed to transform my annual anthem to a way of life instead of something you'd see cross-stitched on a pillow. Watch this space to see how I bring my anthem to life!

 © 2015 Princess D

WTF is a yearly theme anyway?

In spite of all my very best intentions to avoid committing to any kind of resolutions or goals for this new year, my innate inner control freak got the best of me and by 8 AM on the second day of this new year, I found myself hunched over my desk, almost out of coffee, and feverishly resolving to find a way to make resolutions different this year. Because I am a big believer in serendipity – and because I love nothing more than to avoid doing whatever task I'm meant to be working on – after five stressful minutes of arguing with myself, I decided to take a break and check my personal email. (In my defense, it was a very quiet day in the office and I wasn't breaking any rules, so stop shaming me!)

A quick perusal of my Gmail inbox showed me the usual flurry of unread messages from every airline I've ever flown on; some LinkedIn updates; a bunch of retail coupons for stores I don't frequently patronize; and an email from my good friend and sometimes co-conspirator and colleague. What a relief! I wouldn't be forced to help someone solve their problems or locate a policy or even think about my own non-resolutions. I had an email! I could read it! Hooray for distractions! The email itself was brief – under 25 words – but contained a link to a blog I'd not seen before. And more importantly, the ten minutes I spent reading this blog just may have saved me from repeating my prior resolution mistakes. You can check out the blog that changed the entire course of my day here.

The blog post I read – in case you aren't inclined to check it out – encouraged me and other readers to "skip [your] annual resolutions and do something different . . . set a yearly theme. A yearly theme can be a word or a phrase that you choose to define what the next year of your life is going to be. It is an idea that should speak to you and that should guide you to make more of the choices you think will lead you where you want to go . . ." Knock me over with a feather – that's exactly the kind of sage advice I needed to hear. Thank you, dear friend, for the email. Thank you, blogger Kate Stull, for giving me permission to give up on the idea of resolutions and to resolve to make 2015 different. Because I am nothing if not a creature of habit, my gut instinct after reading this excellent blog was to add an item to my "should" list, as in, "I should totally come up with a theme for the year." Since I was already plotting ways to skip my "should" cardio workout after work, this didn't seem like a terribly smart approach – and my phone was ringing and my work email was blowing up so I decided to do what I do best by putting this off until later.

Fast forward a couple of hours. Work is eerily quiet. I've caught up on anything and everything I can do in the present moment, so I decide to heat up my lunch. While I'm prepping my lunch, I can't help but reflect on what I read earlier, and suddenly, I'm obsessed. I must have a theme for 2015! And I want it NOW. Thus, I decide to multitask, eating my husband's famous low sodium turkey chili while simultaneously brainstorming a theme that truly encompasses everything I want life to be in 2015. Because I'm a self-proclaimed princess, my theme needs to be regal, clever, inspiring and not even a tiny bit cheesy, since I'm pretty sure I'm lactose intolerant when it comes to yearly themes and mottos. I think about my very bad habit of shoulding all over myself. I reflect on every failed resolution I've ever made. I wrack my brains. I even Google.

As I take my last bite of lunch, I hit the Google jackpot when I stumble upon this quote: You've got three choices in life – Give up, give in, or give it all you've got.  For once, I'm speechless. I don't know why or how this quote (for whom I cannot seem to find an author, which is a shame) resonates so strongly with me, but why is hardly what's important. I have my theme!

I dutifully print it out and post my 2015 theme prominently in my cubicle, where I hope it will act as a compass, guiding me to make the right choices. You won't believe what happens next . . .

 © 2015 Princess D

I Give Up . . . on Resolutions

It's the second day of a brand new year, and I'm already beating myself up for not making any resolutions. In retrospect, I might be able to get off on a technicality, though, since I've been making the same resolutions day in and day out for the past umpteen years – and the only progress I have to show for it is an Olympic gold medal in negative self-talk.

My resolutions probably aren't all that different from yours. Lose weight? Check. To be fair, I have lost quite a lot of weight. But unlike most of the things I've lost in life, including my new winter coat – a recent loss that I'm quite bitter about as it was quite flattering and not all that inexpensive – I manage to find the lost weight every single time. I have an expensive digital scale; apps on my phone to track my food, map my walk, and let me exercise while in a budget hotel anywhere in the world; and "autoship" subscriptions for nutritional shakes, supplements, and healthy snacks. I belong to a gym that I occasionally frequent. I even have my very own personal trainer on the payroll. I'm almost six feet tall and I weigh just shy of 170 pounds, which is five pounds heavier than I was a year ago and about 20 pounds heavier than I was five years ago.

Another long-standing resolution is the vague be healthier. I mean, if the only options available were be more healthy or be less healthy, you'd obviously select be healthier. And you'd be really committed to that vision until you realized that you just signed up to eat less cake; lift heavy objects repeatedly for no real reason other than your health; and visit people like your evil dentist and your primary care physician for routine shaming. If you are anything like me – and in this case, I happen to be me - you might make some appointments that you'll no-show for, you might buy some leafy green vegetables that will eventually transform themselves into some kind of science experiment in your refrigerator, and you will buy some expensive new vitamins and supplements that will give you the world's most expensive, colorful, and odoriferous urine in the tri-state area.

The third constant on my list of resolutions is also fitness related, only this one is about financial fitness, and while I'm certainly not the millionaire next door or anything, I do suck less in this area than others. After being stuck in a stupid relationship for a stupidly long amount of time because of stupid spending decisions and a lot of even stupider debt, I dug myself out of a big credit card hole about nine years ago – and I have not carried a credit card balance since. I don't live outside my means (not really), my husband and I live in a modest home, and our cars are paid in full. I have a job (and sometimes more than one) that pays me really well, and yet I worry about money obsessively. I don't save enough, I have a Caribou Coffee habit that costs over $1200 a year . . . You get the idea. So while I would give myself a passing grade on my financial fitness resolution, I'm not sure that the C+ grade I've earned is really brag-worthy.

Beyond these constant three resolutions, I also have a list of "shoulds" that I carry around with me everywhere I go. (Side note: this is why I carry such a large bag.) An optimist might refer to these "shoulds" as intentions, but that person would be wrong. Because a realist (a.k.a, me) knows that these aren't true. Intentions are things that you actually mean to and believe you can do, not a list of things you probably won't do but will feel really crappy about having not done later.  A random sampling of shoulds:

• Update the blog I shamelessly abandoned when I got "too busy" six months ago
• Eat a leafy green vegetable
• Do not drink wine
• Make plans to see old friends
• Walk the dog
• Do laundry
• Listen to my self-hypnosis apps (ironically, one is called "Do it Now!")
• Schedule an acupuncture appointment
• Do something about my eyebrows before they fuse together
• Renew my passport
• Volunteer
• Take my vitamins
• Get serious about my career
• See a financial planner
• Write a will

I think you get the idea. The list goes on and on and on and on, and on a typical day, I accomplish none of the shoulds. On a banner day, I might get two or three of them knocked out, which usually means that I have earned a long nap.

But I think I'd like 2015 to be different. I resolve that this will be the year I don't make resolutions. I won't "should" on myself every single day. Instead of a laundry list of resolutions, I'm setting a theme for 2015. My theme, shamelessly stolen from an unattributed quote (or at least, I'm not sure who to credit for it) is this:

I've got three choices in life – Give up, give in, or give it all you've got. Today, I'm giving up on resolutions, giving in on nothing, and giving the idea of a yearly theme all that I've got.

 © 2015 Princess D